Waymaker: Finding Peace through Song

So I was on my way to having a pity party today, then I came back across  a song that I’d shared on my Facebook page. I listened to the song again, and in the song, God spoke to my spirit.

I was really ready to give up. I get so tired of not being able to breath like a normal person because of the way that pollen affects my asthma; and I can't seem to eat anything without getting sick due to a digestive disorder that I’ve had since I was a child.

Honestly, it's been hard enough having to deal with the COVID-19 self-quarantine since I'm one of those people considered to have a "compromised immune system" and am more susceptible to the Coronavirus, so I can't even go get myself a cup of coffee from Starbucks, something that always relaxes me.

And I was beginning to hear that voice of fear that comes to kick you when you're down. I was not suicidal, but I was feeling very hopeless.

Then I listened to a version of the the song "Waymaker" sung by a man who's grandmother posted to Facebook him singing the song. I had hear it before, but it affected me differently this time. 

The first time I heard the man sing the song, I was simply in awe of his singing ability.  His voice was like that of an angel.

This time, I was in awe of how God spoke to me through it. This time it gave me incredible hope.

Tears fell down my face, and hope began to spring up in me again.

I know I have a purpose in this life, sometimes I doubt what it could be but I’m sure of one thing, it isn't to give up.

I feel God calling me to share something with the world; I’m pretty sure I know what it is but it’s been so difficult putting it into motion, because emotional scars of the past never really go away. Like physical scars,  they just fade.

I’ve had friends tell me to write a memoir, that my words might help change someone's life; it could provide healing even to those who have also gone through the same trauma, but not yet healed.

And I’ve started writing a memoir; but finishing it a different thing altogether.

But after listening to the words of the song again, I no longer felt compelled to literally crawl into bed and have a pity party. I felt encourage, by the entire song. But these words spoke to me the most:

Way Maker – God can and will find a way to heal my physical pains and get me through the mental hardship that makes finishing my memoir so difficult.

Miracle Worker – I don’t  need to know how God will do it; I just need to trust (and know) that he can.

Promise Keeper – He won’t break his promise to me. I will get it done.

Light in the Darkness – In those moments I want to stop writing, he will get me through them, I just have to call on him. In this instance, I called on him by listening to this song, which felt more like an uplifting sermon. 

I didn’t just listen to the man’s amazing voice, I listened to the words. And as the tears streamed down my face, I felt God say to me: “Stop worrying, you've got this. I’m here for you and I’m not leaving you. Keep pushing through.”

And I will. I will continue to write and work on my memoir, but without prayer, it may years before I finish. It’s already been two years since I started. So keep me in your prayers. Because I can’t do it with my own strength, I can only do it through the strength God puts in me.

Injury Won't Stop Me

Last week I injured my foot pretty bad. I had one friend who was a former paramedic tell me it was probably broken, reiterated by my brother-in-law who is an orthopedic assistant. So you can imagine my relief when I went to the doctor and was told it was only a really bad sprain. Still not great, especially since I have to wear a big orthopedic boot, but it beats having a broken foot and wearing a cast.

So since I haven't been able to work out at the gym (which I joined a little over a week ago), I've been feeling really lethargic, not motivated to do anything but go to church. I realized it must be because I’m not working out like I was before. Even before I joined the gym, I speed walked around my neighborhood at least three times a week. So I realized that if I was going to get motivated to do anything, I would have to find a way to exercise with the orthopedic boot on my foot.

I remembered that after my fibroid surgery, I could do little walking, going up and down the steps without pain, etc. I had begun doing simple leg lifts from my bed, similar to ones I did with weights when I worked out at Curves once. Amazingly, the simple exercises made me feel better and more energetic. So I’ve begun doing the same exercises while waiting for my foot to heal.

Of course these exercises don’t give me the lift that working out at the gym does, but they do give me some energy to get up and move. I was in decent shape when I joined the gym, but nothing like I wanted to be. And since I could be in this boot for up to a month, I am determined not to gain weight or lose the little bit of strength I gained when I exercised on a regular basis.

This injury has also taught me not to waste time. Before I hurt my foot, I wanted to take a Zumba class, but because of my need to be perfect at everything, I didn’t take the class out of fear I might not be as good as all the others in the class. This is crazy because I kicked butt in every dance class I took at VCU. I mean the fact I wasn’t afraid to take a Krav Maga class after surgery, but too scared to take a Zumba class perfectly healthy is CRAZY. If I were to have permanent damage to my foot and never had taken the class, I'd be really upset with myself.

So, hopefully, once my foot heals, I will stop being a scaredy cat and take the Zumba class. But one thing is for sure, I will keep moving no matter what. I wasted enough time in my 20s and 30s when I was stronger, and now that I don’t have youth on my side, I am determined to feel and be strong regardless of surgery, injury or anything else that comes along. Because I don’t want to just be strong now, I want to be strong at 40, 50,60 and even 70. I read an article in the The Washington Post Magazine about a 72 year old female weight lifter. I know it can be done.

After all the pain and loss I’ve dealt with in my life, I am just ready to be not only be strong, not just happy, I want to be fabulous. Like Paul said in Philippians 3:14, "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me." What's the prize I'm striving for? Feeling victory instead of fear and regret. I've had enough of that. Now I'm ready to kick fear and regret's butt. And look and feel fabulous doing it.

Life After Surgery

Getting ready for church Sunday I tried on three different pairs of pants because surprisingly, pants I couldn’t get into comfortably four weeks ago are now slouching on me. I wanna give myself a high five I’m so happy! It really feels good to see that hard work does pay off! I’ve been eating better and doing a lot of exercising and I'm happy to say that I don’t just look better, I feel better, and stronger!

The best thing about my recuperation has been being able to exercise regularly without pain, and without having to take a three hour nap after 30 measly minutes of exercise. That was life before the surgery. I’m still unable to pick up my two year-old nephew without having pain that requires taking two Advil. He’s only two years old, but about 40 pounds, and guess lifting heavy things is the only regular thing I’m not able to do yet. But, it’s only been two months since the surgery and the doctors said it may take up to six months for the fibroids to completely shrink. So that means not lifting anything heavy for now, including my adorable nephew, for another four more months.

Before what I like to call “fibroid hell” began, I always took my health, stamina, and quite frankly, my uterus for granted. Had I known this was going to happen, I would have tried harder to find a husband and have some little rascals of my own! But I've made peace with the fact that I may not ever have children. I've always been open to adoption, and as a person of faith, I believe that if it's in God's plan for me to have children, I'll have them. And if it's not in the plan, I'll still have more than 10 beautiful nieces and nephews that bring me a lot of joy.

Having the surgery, being close to turning 40, and especially losing my father last year has reminded me that I really can't take life for granted, and to make the best of every moment. In our crazy busy, always on-the-move lives, we too often forget that we don't have forever to make an impact in this world, and I want to make my mark. I intend to make the best of my time while I'm here, and I'm starting today.