So I was on my way to having a pity party today, then I came back across a song that I’d shared on my Facebook page. I listened to the song again, and in the song, God spoke to my spirit.
I was really ready to give up. I get so tired of not being able to breath like a normal person because of the way that pollen affects my asthma; and I can't seem to eat anything without getting sick due to a digestive disorder that I’ve had since I was a child.
Honestly, it's been hard enough having to deal with the COVID-19 self-quarantine since I'm one of those people considered to have a "compromised immune system" and am more susceptible to the Coronavirus, so I can't even go get myself a cup of coffee from Starbucks, something that always relaxes me.
And I was beginning to hear that voice of fear that comes to kick you when you're down. I was not suicidal, but I was feeling very hopeless.
Then I listened to a version of the the song "Waymaker" sung by a man who's grandmother posted to Facebook him singing the song. I had hear it before, but it affected me differently this time.
The first time I heard the man sing the song, I was simply in awe of his singing ability. His voice was like that of an angel.
This time, I was in awe of how God spoke to me through it. This time it gave me incredible hope.
Tears fell down my face, and hope began to spring up in me again.
I know I have a purpose in this life, sometimes I doubt what it could be but I’m sure of one thing, it isn't to give up.
I feel God calling me to share something with the world; I’m pretty sure I know what it is but it’s been so difficult putting it into motion, because emotional scars of the past never really go away. Like physical scars, they just fade.
I’ve had friends tell me to write a memoir, that my words might help change someone's life; it could provide healing even to those who have also gone through the same trauma, but not yet healed.
And I’ve started writing a memoir; but finishing it a different thing altogether.
But after listening to the words of the song again, I no longer felt compelled to literally crawl into bed and have a pity party. I felt encourage, by the entire song. But these words spoke to me the most:
Way Maker – God can and will find a way to heal my physical pains and get me through the mental hardship that makes finishing my memoir so difficult.
Miracle Worker – I don’t need to know how God will do it; I just need to trust (and know) that he can.
Promise Keeper – He won’t break his promise to me. I will get it done.
Light in the Darkness – In those moments I want to stop writing, he will get me through them, I just have to call on him. In this instance, I called on him by listening to this song, which felt more like an uplifting sermon.
I didn’t just listen to the man’s amazing voice, I listened to the words. And as the tears streamed down my face, I felt God say to me: “Stop worrying, you've got this. I’m here for you and I’m not leaving you. Keep pushing through.”
And I will. I will continue to write and work on my memoir, but without prayer, it may years before I finish. It’s already been two years since I started. So keep me in your prayers. Because I can’t do it with my own strength, I can only do it through the strength God puts in me.